Learning to Find our True Core Power

It is like an epidemic in our time, most especially in North America where we live: The significant impact of having grown up under the authority of narcissistic personalities. They were a parent to us, teachers, bosses and authorities to whom we gave our power. We felt trapped and we either rebelled with a great rage detrimental and heavily miserable to ourselves and to others; or we obeyed, became submissive to their demands that we “must align” with their will and control over us, rather than with the power we can feel from within our core. Either way, we denied our inner power and allowed them to control us. 

We didn’t know and we failed to connect with our own inner-power, surrendering it to be used and abused by another person who experienced themselves as “center of the universe” and who couldn’t sense or respect the separation that naturally exists between different beings… although we are also all connected at an energetic level. The narcissist’s ego is experienced as all powerful, with a grandiose sense of “perfect” self. Appearances are much more important to them than substance. They crave attention and admiration from everyone around them. They display arrogance and self-centeredness in their inter-relationships. They expect immediate special attention and compliance from others.  They won’t receive or accept criticisms because they do not know their ability to cope with the shame they would experience within. Shame is to be avoided at all cost. They project shame outwardly and blame others, rationalize and justify all they do or choose to present without any reproach. Only their perspective and views can be right. They feel threatened by a different approach, point of view or choice. If you do not experience, feel, think or choose like they do, then, in their view, there is something wrong with you and you may come to face their narcissistic rage and disdain. Even your memories must be controlled to align with their own, because they cannot cope with the difference. Narcissists cannot cope well with anything different from their own limited experience of self. They experience others as extensions of their will, just like all babies do at their most vulnerable stage of life. The vulnerability is so great within that it is unbearable. Therefore, to ease their great fears and inner despair, their deep sense of powerlessness, they move into the sense of super power and perfection. In fact, the narcissist is stuck at a very immature developmental stage, with an illusion of super power, grandeur and perfection that they project outwardly… and desperately seek in the external world through their relentless acquisition of power, beauty, status, money, things, even people. They like to possess people. They actually often do well in all of their acquisitive pursuits.  They can become great achievers.  However, because they can experience no separation, they can never feel connection or even empathy with another person. They often exploit and manipulate without guilt; an emotion they do not have the maturity to experience. They do feel a deep sense of being alone, always alone. It is a very lonely existence for both the narcissist… and for the person sharing a life with them. 

To successfully relate with a narcissist, especially in more intimate relationships, like a marital partnership, as a child or close friend, one can choose to feed him/her constant attention and admiration, always remain focused on the “specialness” and immediate needs of the narcissist; always deferring to their rightfulness. They must accept to bask in the shadow of the “great one” and provide them with unfailing support.  Except for the honeymoon phase of many relationships where such treatment is considered more normal, it is a very difficult long term existence for anyone who cares to have a separate identify and life. Every situation is very much a one way street affair… all to meet the narcissist’s needs. 

Another approach, if not involved too intimately with the narcissist, is to learn to set some reasonable and firm boundaries as well as work towards reciprocal agreements whenever possible.  That is, always negotiate some win for yourself if you are going to give anything to him/her. This helps train the narcissist to better respect you. It is very demanding, but absolutely necessary to avoid being taken to the cleaner, so to speak.  

At a most basic level, the narcissists have not yet developed their ability to connect with the inner power at their core; instead, they seek it externally, constantly robbing others of their inner experiences, truth and power. They exist through the power they hold over others. Because they do not know their power to really accept responsibility without getting lost in unbearable shame, they project all responsibility and blame outwardly. If we are unaware of the dynamic at play, we may come to believe that they are so much more powerful and perfect than we are next to them. We may look up to them and come to experience our deepest vulnerability next to them, a sense that something is very wrong, or inferior with our self. It is easy to see why a child would choose to surrender their power to such a parent.  A child’s dependence is so great, their vulnerability so real. They need to experience a sense that someone is in control, can protect and provide for them. Because they present as “all powerful”, as “perfect” beings and almost “Godlike”, the bond between a child and a narcissistic parent is often very strong. That is until a child needs to experience a bit of separation. 

When a child starts to experience this sense of being a separate entity, and takes a slight risk to move away, the narcissistic parent/authority comes back and strongly imposes their will and control.  The child is not allowed to exist separately. The child is expected to remain an extension of this narcissist’s will.  The control becomes suffocating to the growing and developing child. The child is not allowed to exist for himself/herself. 

From such an experience, the child may submit and becomes controlled by the external demands. S/he learns to become very attuned and aligned to meet such expectations, and will stop at nothing in his/her desperate efforts to please and experience the loving connection with the narcissistic parent/authority figure in their life. This will happen to the point of self-detriment and often a total loss of self, presenting us with a child/person who performs very well and is great at meeting external expectations and needs. This child will often be recognized as a model child/person to the uneducated observer. They often develop keen intuitive and empathetic abilities which become essential to their survival. They often display great care-giving focus in their pursuits, yet will fail to connect with their own needs and limits. It is just a matter of time before they fall to “dis-ease” and must learn to face their own true self. 

Alternatively, a child may learn to keep distance, avoid to the point of becoming isolated and feeling deeply wounded, rebelling  and rejecting such control with great rage, often feeling lost and abandoned to their own vulnerability that no-one has helped them face.  They experience a great sense of fear and inadequacy in the use of their own inner power. They may turn to alcohol, drugs, or other addictions to escape such painful experiences.  

Either way, there is a great need to recognize the loss of self, the deep wounds that pervade the inner experiences of these children who grow up to be deeply distrusting and fearful of intimacy and will encounter major difficulties in their intimate relationships, most especially marriage. 

You can probably start to recognize such narcissists in your life. You may see some of them in the highest levels of governments, at the top of organizations, as judges, engineers, movie stars, sports figures, teachers, religious leaders, maybe even one of your parents, a marital partner or a close friend.  You may see how this dynamic is also at play with some sects, religious groups or political affiliations.  May be you recognize yourself as one of these children, still unable to affirm your own separate existence as an adult or unable to establish satisfying intimacy with a potential partner. The pain is real and it runs deep within your core, so deep. The life and love within you are screaming to get out, but they are blocked by fear of disappointing, hurting, or creating conflicts that you can’t see yourself able to manage. You feel “never good enough”, abandoned, powerless, helpless… and naturally anxious and/or depressed. Your self-esteem is low, your confidence just as low. Your life feels like a sacrifice where you are the sad victim. Or maybe, you feel this rage within that you can’t let go and often project on other people without really knowing why? The guilt weights heavy on you and you feel rejected, not heard and disrespected in your needs, a sense that there must be something wrong with you, that you must be a bad person because you could never satisfy this narcissist in your life and gain the connection you needed to grow up yourself. 

The truth is no one can ever satisfy the needs of a narcissist. For a while maybe, we can come to meet some needs, but never much more than that.  There is always a point when most of us experience the wrath of the unsatisfied narcissist. Their control is often experienced like the tentacles of an octopus penetrating and invading our whole being and using us as little puppets to achieve their own ends. Our existence and even our right to exist as separate beings is suffocated by their desperate lack of inner-connection with the power that feeds all of our beings in our separate and individual bodies. 

Now, it is important to understand that a narcissistic person doesn’t consciously choose to operate in this manner. That is a personality disorder reflecting significant blockage in their development. It is often related to poor parenting influences at a most tender age. It is a sad situation with very tragic outcomes. 

It is also important to realize that although you may carry significant wounds from your experience with narcissism, you do not have to remain a victim… unless you actually choose to be. To accept being a victim is an unconscious choice for you as much as for the narcissist. You need to become aware, face it and accept responsibility for changing that deep victimizing choice in your psyche. As a child, you likely saw no other way to survive and there was not much else you could have done unless an enlightened adult could have guided you. Now, you can open yourself to some new opportunities. As an adult with power, you can awaken and learn some new ways to respond. In fact, your encounter with narcissists may well become your means to a new path towards reclaiming and learning to become your true self.  You could learn to move beyond your anger and your fears – including a fear of anger - to find your own core power, your own truth and loving choices.  You could become a manifestation and expression of your highest and divine self.  That could be the gift, the silver lining in your darkest clouds.   

Wishing you well and deeply contented!

This article was published in People & Possibilities, Summer 2008