Becoming Conscious of What We Want

Traditionally, men and women were prepared to contribute very different roles in a relationship. Men were expected to become good providers and insure the protection of their partner and family - a tough job in a tough physical world! For their part, women were considered for their abilities to give life, nurture, love, support, maintain a comfortable and happy nest home. They helped heal the broken heart and bones. In a way, we could say that men were asked to play a more ego part while women were to be more soul. Together, they were meant to find balance and form a whole.

Although our lives have changed and evolved from such tradition, many people still believe, consciously or unconsciously, this complementary arrangement to be great. Indeed, it sounds pretty neat and there seems to be some evidence to show that nature, in all of its wisdom, pre-programmed most of us that way. Unfortunately, in the practice of daily living, our contemporary expectations do not make such choice easy or even desirable any longer. Leaving aside the financial implications which make it difficult for most people to fully experience such an arrangement, I believe there are further motivations leading us away from this choice.

As I see it, the complementary approach to forming a partnership was meant as an evolutionary stepping stone towards the development of our fuller potential as human beings. It takes time, experience and often conscious learning and commitment to grow as humans. In its wisdom, nature allowed for us to find balance at different stages of our development, in different ways. According to our own sense of what is best for our survival and development, we can choose to find our balance in a relationship or feel a need to move beyond such choice. When ready, we can learn to evolve and integrate both our ego and soul towards more wholeness and inner-balance as individuals. Isn’t it what happens to many of us in our so called mid-life crisis or re-birthing process? In the journeys of our lives, many of us have come to make such a choice and with it the realization that the nature of coming together in partnership would be changed too.

In my work counseling people in and out of partnerships, (now does that sound like a revolving door?) I have come to observe that the complementary approach contains within its core both the strong motivation to be in partnership, yet at the same time the seeds for its eventual destruction. Many men and women come together in a need to find love and more balance in their lives. At some level, they appreciate their partner for what s/he contributes to the wholeness of their being together. Unfortunately, often unconscious about their choice of arrangements, they come to take each other for granted, become frustrated with the very different perspectives and experiences each is contributing, grow apart and resentful of the void and fear they experience individually. The nature of their co-dependent approach to finding balance leads them to a growing fear of losing their wholeness if losing their togetherness. As fear grows, love dies and life together tends to become increasingly miserable. Often, in a desperate attempt to maintain their wholeness together, one or both partners engage more controlling and hurtful behaviors towards the other or may sacrifice their own selves. Eventually, they may come to confront their pains and become more aware and conscious of the choices they make. Other times, they continue to live a miserable togetherness that many of us have come to dread. Isn’t it the reason we often fear and maybe avoid commitment to a potential partnership?

The experience of two individuals who come together after they have found their own inner-balance is greatly different. First, neither needs the other to experience wholeness. Each knows and trusts in their ability to survive alone. The choice of coming together isn’t anchored in need or fear, it is anchored in a motivation to enhance each other’s individual growth, wellness and life experience through the sharing of love. Beyond co-dependency, such persons achieved independency and may now be ready for inter-dependency. To live inter-dependently means we have learned to trust our ability to make choices that are loving and respectful for our selves in connection to each other. For many of us, it shifts our understanding and experience of partnership (or any relationship) to a new paradigm. Although it may be scary to let go of our old ways to engage new paths, it is usually the source of our growth and evolution. As we learn to accept and experience a new paradigm for coming together and form more satisfying partnerships, we become involved in a co-creative process. What we create is up to who we are, our conscious and unconscious intents, and our commitment to the experience. We do not have to simply relay on old patterns and prescriptions for life together. We need to stop blaming our parents or each other for our pains and failures. We can choose to empower ourselves with our gift for conscious creation and trust in the ultimate guidance of our greater selves. Life is a formidable teacher that always knows to provide us with the next most loving experience for our learning and growth. As long as we remain open and ready to flow with change, life grants us happiness. Can we allow ourselves to receive such happiness? That may be the most important question to ask ourselves.

Wishing you happiness!

This article was published in Calgary Singles Magazine, May 2000 and People & Possibilities, October 2003

Although our lives have changed and evolved from such tradition, many people still believe, consciously or unconsciously, this complementary arrangement to be great. Indeed, it sounds pretty neat and there seems to be some evidence to show that nature, in all of its wisdom, pre-programmed most of us that way. Unfortunately, in the practice of daily living, our contemporary expectations do not make such choice easy or even desirable any longer. Leaving aside the financial implications which make it difficult for most people to fully experience such an arrangement, I believe there are further motivations leading us away from this choice.

As I see it, the complementary approach to forming a partnership was meant as an evolutionary stepping stone towards the development of our fuller potential as human beings. It takes time, experience and often conscious learning and commitment to grow as humans. In its wisdom, nature allowed for us to find balance at different stages of our development, in different ways. According to our own sense of what is best for our survival and development, we can choose to find our balance in a relationship or feel a need to move beyond such choice. When ready, we can learn to evolve and integrate both our ego and soul towards more wholeness and inner-balance as individuals. Isn’t it what happens to many of us in our so called mid-life crisis or re-birthing process? In the journeys of our lives, many of us have come to make such a choice and with it the realization that the nature of coming together in partnership would be changed too.

In my work counseling people in and out of partnerships, (now does that sound like a revolving door?) I have come to observe that the complementary approach contains within its core both the strong motivation to be in partnership, yet at the same time the seeds for its eventual destruction. Many men and women come together in a need to find love and more balance in their lives. At some level, they appreciate their partner for what s/he contributes to the wholeness of their being together. Unfortunately, often unconscious about their choice of arrangements, they come to take each other for granted, become frustrated with the very different perspectives and experiences each is contributing, grow apart and resentful of the void and fear they experience individually. The nature of their co-dependent approach to finding balance leads them to a growing fear of losing their wholeness if losing their togetherness. As fear grows, love dies and life together tends to become increasingly miserable. Often, in a desperate attempt to maintain their wholeness together, one or both partners engage more controlling and hurtful behaviors towards the other or may sacrifice their own selves. Eventually, they may come to confront their pains and become more aware and conscious of the choices they make. Other times, they continue to live a miserable togetherness that many of us have come to dread. Isn’t it the reason we often fear and maybe avoid commitment to a potential partnership?

The experience of two individuals who come together after they have found their own inner-balance is greatly different. First, neither needs the other to experience wholeness. Each knows and trusts in their ability to survive alone. The choice of coming together isn’t anchored in need or fear, it is anchored in a motivation to enhance each other’s individual growth, wellness and life experience through the sharing of love. Beyond co-dependency, such persons achieved independency and may now be ready for inter-dependency. To live inter-dependently means we have learned to trust our ability to make choices that are loving and respectful for our selves in connection to each other. For many of us, it shifts our understanding and experience of partnership (or any relationship) to a new paradigm. Although it may be scary to let go of our old ways to engage new paths, it is usually the source of our growth and evolution. As we learn to accept and experience a new paradigm for coming together and form more satisfying partnerships, we become involved in a co-creative process. What we create is up to who we are, our conscious and unconscious intents, and our commitment to the experience. We do not have to simply relay on old patterns and prescriptions for life together. We need to stop blaming our parents or each other for our pains and failures. We can choose to empower ourselves with our gift for conscious creation and trust in the ultimate guidance of our greater selves. Life is a formidable teacher that always knows to provide us with the next most loving experience for our learning and growth. As long as we remain open and ready to flow with change, life grants us happiness. Can we allow ourselves to receive such happiness? That may be the most important question to ask ourselves.

Wishing you happiness!

Susie Legault, Psychologue/PsychologistOctober 1, 2003