A Professional Guide Across the Great Divide of Divorce

Choosing to divorce is one of the toughest decision one may have to make in a lifetime. It comes with significant consequences and great emotional, financial and social costs.  Any person who has been there knows what we mean. This important life transition takes its toll on most who engage this road more and more traveled. 

Still each person engaging this demanding process realizes how personal and uniquely impactful their own experience with the journey of divorcing is. It goes so much beyond the splitting of some “material stuff” and basic decisions about the sharing of children’s custody and responsibilities. That part is relatively easy compared to what is really taking place for the “real people” who are at the center of a divorce. Really, it is about the splitting of one soul from the soul of another human being; one’s life from another. It is about the total restructuring of a family and it has a powerful impact on each of its members. It is about giving up all that “we” shared, stood for, hoped and dreamed of as couple and a family . It is about very significant decisions to care for oneself, a person we once loved enough to say “yes” to and, often, the children we gave life to and have shared responsibilities to care for with as much love as we can…. Even in those angry times. 

This anger is normal and it is a very powerful emotion that often brings us to experience a darker side in ourselves. Some of us do not always like to feel it.  We may even fear our anger, but to repress it is very lethal. To swallow back our anger leads us to depression. And how depressed we will become depends on how quickly and how well one chooses to manage emotionally and insure the healing and safety that is very much needed at such demanding times. Some may feel more comfortable to dump their anger and may have to deal with some legal consequences that aren’t what one was after.  Such powerful angry energy is an absolute gift to bring about change in our lives.  However, when mismanaged, it has tremendous destructive potential. It is very risky to trust with the wrongful guidance. It is not possible to think clearly when we are angry and we can make some poor decisions when under this egocentric protective influence… some we may later regret when experiencing calmer times.  This is why we need to seek the support of skilled and trustworthy professionals when divorcing.  Sadly, when parents fail to address their anger and the underlying feelings of fear and sadness, it is most often the children who end up the innocent victims of the self-justified war between their parents.  That is a heart breaker for all who witness such a situation, most of all those parents themselves. 

Individuals who seek to trivialize the process and suggest that one should get through a divorce as quickly as possible without having to feel much of the normal emotions that are part of a healthy grieving process, know little about the significant dangers of such ill advice. As the title of a book by well-known author, John Gray, states: “What You Can Feel, You Can Heal”. The truth is that divorce offers great opportunities for us to learn and to grow beyond what we once were. Far from being about sessions of crying and badmouthing our ex – as some would believe - skillful counseling helps us become more clear about what went wrong in our relationship to someone we once loved dearly and to assume responsibility for the part we played in the process of building the rift that led us to a great divide. It is about feeling and facing the truth within ourselves and learning to manage the powerful emotions we experience. It is about learning to feel our anger, our fears, our pains and coming to a more peaceful and loving place. It is about learning to anchor our anger in loving choices. 

Because divorce is at its essence a failure at intimacy, we need to become intimate with the self to uncover the long-term healing and growing benefits. It is not about the other as much as it is about who we are as a partner. Failing to take a good look only leads us to repeat our failures with intimate relationships. Psychologists and Registered Social Workers are trained professionals that you can trust in engaging such a process. They are fully qualified to guide you through the emotional roller coaster of this impactful transition and bring you back to more safety and wellness.  

The recommended fee for a chartered psychologist in Alberta is $160/hour for individual sessions and  $170/hour for couple or family therapy. The cost for a Registered Social Worker varies based on experience, but would be in a similar range. The costs of such counseling process is usually covered under your extended health care benefits. It may well be worth your time to check your coverage and seek the professional help you need and deserve for you and your family.  

For an appropriate referral, you may ask your friends, talk to your physician, your family lawyer, or contact the Psychologists Association of Alberta, and/or the College of Social Workers. 

Divorce may or not be the best choice for a specific relationship.  As a good friend and colleague once told me: “It takes a lot of courage to leave and it takes a lot of courage to stay.  The bottom-line is that we each need the wisdom to know what is best for ourselves… and that wisdom lies deep within ourselves, far beyond our angry words”.

Get the help you need! You are worth it!