Learning to Communicate with Those We Love Most

We often hear that communication is a key factor in relationships and many of us aim at becoming better communicators. We learn to connect with our thoughts and feelings and express them more clearly.  We make the effort to use “I” statements and take ownership over what we realize to be our own thoughts and feelings. We say what we believe true to ourselves. We try to listen to the other person, receive and reflect what they tell us.  We remain calm and rational. These skills seem to serve us well with most of the people in our lives.  However, we often feel frustrated that communication seems so difficult with those people we love the most.  We feel “we” can’t make it through to “them.  “They” just don’t seem to get “us” as if there was a major wall between us.

Such discussions often escalate into arguments where both sides attempt to prove one another right or wrong, until one or both parties withdraw in pain and anger, sometimes feeling despair at their failing efforts to communicate. Or, they learn to simply avoid each other, keep silent, letting their respective needs and discontent grow within.  Such relationships are often pledged with illnesses that manifest at both the psychological and physical levels. No one wants to live this way. It can become such a miserable way to live that many of us opt to divorce or let go of those we once loved deeply. Such divorce may be emotional or become an actual physical and legal divorce experience.  We choose to make the pain stop and go on our separate ways, until we may come to find a new loved partner we find the courage to commit to. Sadly, we often repeat our failure to communicate.  

This scenario may sound a bit bleak, but if we take a good look, it is the reality experienced in a great number of marriages, and those most intimate relationships in our lives.  We find it sad and we wish there were a way we could learn to communicate better.  We don’t really want to let go of those we love.  We don’t want all this pain.  But, we also don’t want to keep feeling the hurt, the anger and the despair that become the fruit of our failures to communicate.   

A solution to this painful situation is to learn to open our hearts, learn to communicate openly from our hearts rather than remaining in the protected space of our heads. It takes a lot of courage for most of us to open up this much.  We have often been taught to protect ourselves, remain under the rational and reasonableness of our ego selves. The problem is that the role and mandate of our ego self is not one to support and enhance connectedness and relationships.  Ego has a mandate to insure our own individual survival and as much wellness as possible for ourselves – and those “I” may become identified with – to the point of potentially destroying what may stand in our way, including those we love.  When we rely on our ego self and its rational cognitive tools, we simply miss the boat. We do not achieve the level of communication needed in our intimate relationships and we fail to establish any real connections with those we love.  

Learning to communicate from an open heart is a challenging choice. It means exposing our most vulnerable and wounded parts. It is the sacred experience of sharing the deep truth of what we really feel, what lies in the depth of our soul. It often feels contrary to what we have learned and been trained to do.  We resist and protect ourselves by moving back into our rational minds, or we escape behind a silent wall, shutting down and shutting off to the world around us. We require new ways, new vocabulary, new understandings of what true connections and true communications mean between intimate partners. We need to become emotionally aware and intelligent. We need to develop the skills of empathy and compassion. The gift of such choices is a love that flows and feeds our souls like food and water feed our bodies.

It is possible to acquire such skills for they are just skills we can choose to gain. We may require training and coaching for a while, but the benefits are literally life saving to our most precious relationships. If we consider the emotional, financial and social costs of divorce, we may come to appreciate the values of such investment in ourselves and in our intimate relationships.  

Keep well and happy!

This article was published in the anniversary issue of People & Possibilities, Fall 2004