The Gift of Learning to Hold Another Person at Equal Value

Many of us have experienced a family system where at least one parent was held “on the pedestal” so to speak.  That person was believed to know best and we held this person with highest regards.  In some families, we could relate to both our parents that way.  Eventually, we grew up to see some of the limits that our parent(s) presented and we could go on accepting such limits and loving them nonetheless.  In fact, it allowed us to realize that we too could be accepted with our own limits.  We were able to successfully manage an important transition between childhood and adulthood.

In some family systems, this transition doesn’t happen easily, especially when a parent holds tight to this “one above” position.  This can become uncomfortable because that leaves us to remain in the “one below” position.  In effect, we are not acknowledged in our ability to manage as separate adults.  We may rebel and reject this dynamic, or we may learn to live with this discomfort. However, without holding each other equal, there is no possibility of a real open relationship between us and our parent(s).   This situation may prepare us poorly for a marital partnership, or other intimate relationships, where we may not know how to hold another at equal value.  We may put our partner on a pedestal or expect to be put on a pedestal, either way, the relationship doesn’t allow us to hold each other at equal value and is doomed to leave us unsatisfied. 

Without equality, there can be no real intimacy in a relationship.  Intimacy requires an ability to open the self to be vulnerable with another.  For many people, this very choice requires a lot of courage because they haven’t learned to trust in their own ability and power to protect the self when necessary.  They still experience a sense of powerlessness, vulnerability and dependency as we have all experienced as children.  When we come to our ability to face our parents as human with limits, we can also benefit from this acceptance that we have limits too, and lots of power and strength.  It facilitates our growth process when we can be encouraged and loved in all that we are, the limits and the strengths; when we are held equal in the relationship we share with another. 

In my opinion, the ultimate purpose of life is to allow us to learn, grow and evolve in our ability to accept and love our self and one another.  When we come to experience relationships in our life that allow for equal connections, we come to experience a gift beyond all possible.  We come to know what makes life so worth living. 

This article was published in People & Possibilities, Summer 2009