Learn to Recognize the Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

We all get to meet people who do not prove to be what they present more openly to us, and we can feel very deceived and hurt after our encounters with such people. “Wolves in sheep’s clothing” is often the way we could describe people who present with the profile of a sociopath. Based on statistical research reported by Martha Stout Ph.D. in her book “The Sociopath Next Door”, one person in 25 is a sociopath - 4 percent of people. This is huge and may surprise you, but we need to become aware and know to protect ourselves.  It is important to realize that few sociopaths go on being serial killers. Few are blood thirsty or physically violent. However, as I see it, they do impact us very deeply, and may even kill and murder more psychological and spiritual parts of who we are.  

Sociopaths do not have a capacity for conscience. The Dalai Lama describes such people well when he says that: “Such people are devoid of an intervening sense of obligation based in connectedness to others”. It is as if sociopaths were emotionally and spiritually blind and simply couldn’t experience this sense most of us take for granted; this 7th sense that ties us to a community of living beings and natural choices and responsibilities we more or less accept towards one another. We “feel” this sense of obligation to each other. It is anchored in love, caring for each other and a respect for life. We may struggle from time to time, trying to find our loving ways, but our emotions help guide us. When we feel regrets, remorse and guilt, we know we have done something to hurt another person, another “being” or life itself. We hopefully find the courage to face our responsibility for our wrong choices, make amends, learn from the experience and move on. We hopefully become a little wiser and better for the experience. Not so with sociopaths.  

Sociopaths may know in their head that what they do is wrong and potentially hurtful to others, but do not actually experience real guilt or remorse for their wrongful behavior. They do not even struggle internally as most of us do making choices. In many ways, life is a lot simpler for them.  Unless they get caught - or fear getting caught - and face negative consequences for their actions, there is nothing to stop them.  Such persons cannot experience empathy because they cannot connect to the emotions that tie the rest of us to conscience.  Emotions are “energy in motion”. Emotions guide us to engage the loving choices that support a “live and let live” approach.  When there is a disconnect and a person cannot physiologically experience this connection with their core emotional self, conscience is simply not possible.  This person will be misguided and a potential danger to others and life itself. Cognitive therapy and supporting clear limits with such persons may help guide them superficially, but this is quite different from the internal guidance system most of us may take for granted.  Left to their own devices, especially in a community that values individuality and self-centeredness, sociopaths have little to stop them.  They will engage choices most of us consider unthinkable, even “evil”.  “Evil”, in this context, is simply a way to describe any choice that goes against “live”.  – Note how the English language powerfully transmits to us this awareness.  
 
Although they can use God and religions to control and manipulate others, sociopaths have no real sense of God.  They can’t experience that spiritual essence that connects us to something bigger than ourselves.  They are essentially alone, stuck in ego, and very self-centered.  They feel no real attachment, ties or responsibilities to others, including to their own children whom they often abandon at least emotionally. They love risks and believe social rules don’t apply to them. They are formidable actors and masters at concealing, pretending, lying and betraying. They use and manipulate people around them to achieve their own needs or goals; or simply to kill the boredom in their lives. Some can be extremely charming, sweet talkers, even charismatic. They can look like anyone and everyone. They are masters of deceit, like wolves in sheep’s clothing, and can exist near us undiscovered for a long time unless we start paying attention to our own inner experience; our intuitive knowing.  

Until we wake up to the toxicity and the pain they cause around them, sociopaths may remain unsuspected. To sociopaths, life is like a game to play and to win. They love to dominate and people around them are means to winning at the game of life, whatever it is they seek to gain. Often they prey on the more vulnerable, the more unsuspecting, the more caring and giving individuals in our society.  “Pollyanna” types are especially easy victims. Sociopaths are often attracted to money, status, power and/or prestige. They feel entitled to get their way and to many special treatments and privileges. They expect attention and respect and may even demand such with much intimidation, even rageful outbursts. They can become angry and very intimidating when things don’t go their way and will project blame outwardly without mercy. They can’t accept any criticisms or responsibility for their wrongful choices and doings; again never beyond a more superficial cognitive level. There is no true moral judgment. In fact, they typically present themselves as the poor victims of circumstances, seeking pity and support so they can gain even more power to manipulate the unsuspected. Sadly, they are often successful at climbing the ladder of hierarchical structures, because they will stop at nothing to win.  They have little fear compared to most of us and can engage risks we would not even consider.  

If you are being used and manipulated by a sociopath, the experience can feel “crazy making” to you.  The sooner you recognize what is going on, the better for your own sanity and the sanity of those around you. Trust yourself and become aware. Reach out for help and remember that although one person in 25 is likely to be a sociopath, 24 will be more or less able of consciousness. That is, they will experience that sense of caring connection and responsibility to others.  Love yourself; reach out for the love and the help you need. Choose real and authentic people who are fair; people who struggle –as you do- with matters of consciousness. Embrace the struggles of your own consciousness for your being conscious is a precious gift. Once you become clearer about your loving choices, you will experience the kind of happiness and connection that is only possible for people connected through consciousness.  

Remain aware and enjoy the journey!

This article was published in People & Possibilities, Summer 2010