More... About Recognizing the Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

Many readers have responded very positively to “Learn to Recognize the Wolves in Sheep Clothing” and expressed an interest in a sequel to this article published in the summer edition of the magazine. 

Because one person in twenty-five is reported to likely be a sociopath, most of our lives will be at least touched if not strongly impacted by their often subtle but nonetheless very abusive ways to co-exist.  We need not only to recognize such persons around us and the potential for their devastating impacts, but also to protect ourselves by becoming aware and learning to set healthy boundaries.  Many of us may also need to heal from the deep wounds and injuries suffered, if our lives have been scared by the often repeated and potentially vicious attacks of a sociopath or other types of abusers upon our sense of self. Our personal resources, our time, our energy, our talents and our moneys may also have been robbed from us.  We may come to feel like we have been raped, used and abused.  Sometimes, all that seems left of our being feels like the shell of a person trying to survive beyond the ordeal and impacts of such encounters.  We may not know where to turn and whom to trust anymore, but we need to remember that twenty four out of twenty-five people are more or less able to feel emotions, experience empathy and compassion, and are likely to honor and respect some healthier boundaries.  More importantly, we need to remember that we have an ability to regain trust in our own sense of self and our inner guidance system.  Although trust becomes difficult when we have been abused, and we fear to become prey again, there is much one can do to rebuild the self, move on with dignity, awareness and healthier boundaries.  We can not become victim unless parts of ourselves allow it, even if we are mostly unconscious of this choice.

This is not about “good and helpless victims” versus “bad people with mean intents and ways”.  This is no witch hunt for sociopaths or blaming the victims.  It is about coming to the realization that beyond appearances, our individual make-up can be very different.  It is about differences that can have some serious outcomes.  Remember that if balance is not found within an individual, it will always be found in their relationships.  This is why our relationships become great mirrors of what we draw into our lives because of who we really are.  Such mirrors are amazing gifts to us. 

Sociopaths have often been feared and misunderstood.  The bottom-line is that they are people who are wired very differently in their brain and do not have a capacity to feel the necessary emotions - those deeper gut feels - allowing most of us to experience that sense of connection, empathy and compassion that will lead us to engage more respectful choices in our relationships to other people and other life forms.  Sociopaths may think and act as if they were feeling emotions, but such emotions are very superficial and rationalized, and their capacity for true intimacy is significantly dwarfed because of it.  All they truly have are masks of deceptions and manipulations to make us believe that they are real and that they may be more charming, grand and powerful than they truly are.  Truth is that although they put much energy at managing and controlling the image they would like to project to us; their true repressed selves will become expressed in the shadows and will often lead sociopaths to live dual lives that often surprise us… much like a Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde.    Although there is a genetic basis to their condition, there is also evidence that sociopaths have suffered significant attachment impairments in their early developmental years.  Chances of rehabilitation are very poor, especially given the fact that such persons will not see a real need to change.  Sociopaths believe that they are actually superior and right, and that the rest of the world is wrong, weak and fallible.  To the sociopaths, we are the sick ones and they feel justified to take advantage and exploit our weaknesses, most especially our emotionality and sense of connectedness and responsibilities to one another.  

Sociopaths do not experience true remorse because they do not have the necessary neuropath ways to access the deeper gut experience that allow most of us to know right from wrong and make choices that bring us to honor and respect our connections to other people and the essence of a consciousness that ties all of Life together.  To the sociopaths, their only reference is centered on the ego self and what may or not serve them and their willful needs and wants.    The world is their oyster and they will not experience any boundaries unless we stand to set such boundaries with them.  We must learn to say “no” and establish some important limits to preserve our personal integrity.  If we tend to be too giving and wishy-washy about our boundaries, sociopaths will have no capacity to know our limits and will continue to take and exploit our limitlessness and selflessness to their own selfish and opportunistic advantage.  Unless we have some clear boundaries, we can loose our sense of self and much of our resources quickly around such people. 

Most sociopaths are not dangerous to ourselves if we know how to set the important boundaries and consequences that will help preserve our personal integrity.  In fact, they are actually fairly vulnerable and dependent upon our goodwill, much as young children are.  Their anger also tends to be managed in infantile manners.  Some can become violent and very inappropriate when facing limits and we must remain mindful of such acting out.  Much will depend upon the perceived level of frustration and righteousness they experience within their core and their levels of acquired socialization and skills in tempering with such energy.  Some very angry sociopaths can in fact become so out of control that they become very dangerous to us and society in general.  Their wrath can be unleashed with such persistent and limitless energy that it becomes very difficult to cope with.  This is often what comes to our minds when we think about sociopaths and may have led to our fear of such individuals.  Just like dealing with a two year-old kid who has become out of control, we may come to fear and choose to avoid unpleasant reactions  by doing all we can to appease sociopaths, but in the end, this is not always the best solution.  Setting healthy and firm limits can be very important and consequences necessary.  If we are involved in a significant relationship with such an individual, we may be best to leave that relationship because it will not likely ever give us what we need.  Choosing to remain in connection with a sociopath is rarely a rewarding or self-fulfilling experience. 

Naturally, if our capacity to set such healthy boundaries has been compromised by a focus on constantly meeting external expectations and pleasing others in our environment, we will not be in balance within our own core self and will more likely act as magnets to those more sociopathic and abusive individuals around us.  This is where we have power.  We can raise our awareness and bring change to our own personal make-up until we eventually learn to shift the experience of such abuse away from our own lives.   To play ostrich and pretend the problem doesn’t exist, or to fantasize that the sociopath may change if we become good enough at meeting their needs, will not serve us well.  We need to change ourselves and our choices in how we choose to treat our own self and allow others to treat us.  This doesn’t mean that we need to become mean, nasty and abusive to others.  It is again, about a healthy balance and allowing choices in our lives that insure that both the self and other people will be respected.  When sociopaths do not get their needs met with us and we learn to protect ourselves from their potential impacts, they will move on to a different selfless and limitless source to meet their own self-centered and ever growing needs.  They will eventually create isolation in their lives and maybe, only maybe, will they come to change… but that will be up to their neurological capacity and the choices and efforts they alone can choose to engage in developing some missing neuropath ways in their inner selves.  No one else has the power to change such individuals – or anyone else really - not even the most skilled team of psychologists or other mental health professionals.  They can only guide processes one is committed to engage. 

If you need help in gaining a sense of self and healthier boundaries however, there is great help and support available to you. Counseling can be a good option.  And remember that you are worth getting the help!  Start reaching for what you need and want and your life may take some new and more satisfying directions.  You are not alone!  Have faith and courage… a much better life is possible and can become yours as you learn to make self respecting choices and  set healthier boundaries.  

Sincerely yours, 

Susie Legault

Chartered Psychologist